The Samurai Stalker
by stuffbylouie
Summary: REVAMPED! The Cats have a blackout at the Pizza Parlour, just after Big Al tells them a number of people have gone missing in town. Is it a killer? Or is the director trying to cut the budget on cameos?
1. Bit at the Beginning

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THE SAMURAI STALKER

_The Cats have a blackout at the Pizza Parlour, just after Big Al tells them a number of people have gone missing in town. Is it a killer? Or is the director trying to cut the budget on cameos?_

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Disclaimer: I don't own the Samurai Pizza Cats. My friend's neighbour's cat was called Polly Ester, but that's about as close as I get.

This was the first fanfic I ever had put on the net ("memories!"), back in the days when I was known as 'KAT'. I was fourteen or fifteen when I wrote it, so for nostalgic reasons I'm very proud of 'The Samurai Stalker'. I hope you enjoy this newly edited version!


	2. The Samurai Stalker

Narrator: (sounding bored) It's a beautiful morning ... ah ... the stars are shining – no wait the _sun_ is shining! Birds are chirping, it's real beautiful ... spring is here ... ah ... let's see what our heroes are doing at the Pizza Parlour. Did I mention it was a beautiful day?

Speedy: For the sake of the sleeping audience you could've practiced your lines before you came to work!

Guido: Not to mention the sleeping cast.

N: I had a rough night. Besides, what I said was just fine!

Guido: Well if you look outside you will see RAIN and THUNDER, your typical AUTUMN weather for this miserable time of NIGHT!

Speedy: Yeah and there are no birds!

N: Well excuse me! I didn't catch the weather report this morning so I would not have the slightest idea.

Speedy, Guido: JUST LOOK OUTSIDE!

(They point out the window where wind is blowing, lightning is striking, buckets of rain, etc.)

N: Okay we can try this again. Ahem! (Sounding like a sarcastic weather man) It's a miserable NIGHT and there is a lot of RAIN and THUNDER and there are no BIRDS, who cares what season it is, Speedy and Guido are jerk heads let's see what they're doing!

Speedy, Guido: That's better!

(Al appears at the intercom screen.)

Speedy, Polly, Guido, Francine: What's up Big Al?

Big Al: I just called to inform you that the storms getting worse and Princess Vi has suggested everyone should stay indoors tonight. We have a few missing people …

Polly: You mean we can't go home? But there's no TV at the Parlour!

Fran: Hey, you're right! There's no way I'm missing 'Sex & The City' Al!

Guido: Yeah c'mon Al! It's just a little drizzle outside, nothing to get worked up about. Right Speedy?

Speedy: (hiding under a table) Sure a drizzle! I'm not afraid, I'm a Pizza Cat!

(Lighting strikes.)

Speedy: EEEEKKKK! (Ducks his head)

Polly: Some Pizza Cat! He can't even get through an earthquake either.

Speedy: I conquered that fear a long time ago!

(More lightning.)

Speedy:(timid) Do you think the thunder's getting any closer?

Al: Anyway you got the picture. My orders are to stay indoors tonight until the storm clears up or maybe you could go missing as well. And I'm too tired to send out another search party!

Francine: (trying to sound logical) And where are the missing people at this point, Al?

Al: Well if we knew that they wouldn't be missing.

Fran: I see ...

Polly: But like Guido said the storm's not that bad how can people go missing?

Al: I don't know Polly, something strange is going on tonight and I'm not sure if it's the storm or something else ...

(The transmission on the intercom gets weaker and weaker.)

Fran: (banging on the screen) Hello in there! Earth to Al!

Polly: He must have got a power cut. Gosh, I hope that doesn't happen to us!

(As if on cue, the Pizza Parlour loses power and the entire place turns black.)

Speedy: (in a high pitched girl scream) AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! WE'RE ALL DOOMED!

Guido: Thanks Polly now you've done it!

Polly: Don't be such a dumb head, it was the writers!

Guido: You!

Polly: Writers!

Guido: You!

Polly: WRITERS! That's it! Where's my trusty frying pan?

(She tries to head for the kitchen in the darkness, but ends up falling on top of Guido.)

Polly: Watch where you're standing!

Guido: Only if you watch where you're going!

Polly: Grrrrrrrrrrr!

(She starts choking him.)

Fran: We need light I can't see a thing!

(Phone rings.)

Speedy: (scared) AAAHHH!

Fran: (now holding a torch) Speedy it's okay, it's just the phone ringing. Hey everyone, the phone lines must still be operating!

Guido: (being choked to death) _Aaaahhhhgggg_!

Fran: What was that Guido?

Polly: He said "oh good call the mental home and make an appointment for a lobotomy!"

Fran: (picking up the phone) Samurai Pizza Cat's we cook'em you eat'em, can I help you?

Speedy: (trying to grab the phone of Francine) Tell them we're trapped and we need them to come pick us up!

Fran: Speedy get lost!

Speedy: But I'm scared! I need HELP!

N: Now that's the statement of the year.

Fran: Shut up Speedy and go back under the table! (Back on the phone) Sorry about that, may ask who's speaking?

Voice:(in a very deep voice) Hello there, how are you?

Fran: Fine. Who is this?

Voice: Aren't you afraid of the storm?

Speedy: (on the other line) I am sir!

Fran: Speedy go away!

Speedy: Can you pick me up? I'll pay you one yen!

Voice: Well Speedy, I'm already here.

Speedy: How convenient!

Fran: Speedy for the last time shut your mouth! Excuse me sir but I didn't catch your name, do you want a pizza or something because we're kinda closed for the night.

Voice: Can I have my pizza sliced ...

Fran: Sir I just said –

Voice: Diced ...

Fran: Sir –

Voice: Chopped into tiny pieces ...

Fran: Sir I'm afraid we're not open right now and we don't serve our pizza in tiny pieces but do call again some time, bye bye!

Voice: Don't hang up ...

(Slams the phone on the hook.)

Polly: (getting up off the floor) Who was that Fran?

Guido: I can't feel my neck, must you strangle so hard girl?

Polly: There isn't any other way! I'll say it again, who was on the phone?

Speedy: Whoever they were they were my ride out of here until Fran was so rude!

Fran: Me? That guy was creepy! How would he even know Speedy's name?

Speedy: Well I am famous.

(Phone rings.)

Polly: I'll get it this time, you're just being paranoid Fran.

(Polly picks up the phone.)

Voice: Hello cutie ...

Polly: Who is this?

Voice: You look lovely tonight ... Polly

(She quickly hangs up.)

Polly: Someone's prank calling us I just hate it when people do that!

Speedy: But we do it all the time.

Polly: Well it's funny when we do it …

Fran: The man on the phone, he's scary isn't he?

Polly: He knew my name!

Fran: Oh my god! Are dating a really scary guy or something?

Polly: No ...

Guido: Please! She's not dating anyone except those guys on the nine hundred numbers!

Polly: I'LL SLAP YOU SILLY!

Guido: AH!

(Phone rings.)

Speedy: It's time that guy spoke to a real man. Er, cat!

Polly: (rolling her eyes) Big brave Speedy to rescue.

Speedy: You'll see! I'll scare that guy all the way to Mexico with my wit and courage!

(Picks up the phone.)

Voice: I'm coming to kill you.

Speedy: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! LOCK THE DOORS HE'S COMING TO KILL US!

Fran: We're all gonna DIE!

Polly: I'll say it again: big brave Speedy to the rescue!

Guido: (not convinced) Nice try, Speedy.

Speedy: Huh?

Guido: Someone's trying to kill us my butt!

Speedy: No fooling that's what he said! Now we need food, car keys, money, video games ...

Fran: Where are we going?

Speedy: Any where but here. I'm leaving myself, storm or no storm! With or without your help! The time to talk me out of it is now!

Polly: Speedy, Big Al said to stay here or we could get fired!

Speedy: It's your funeral Polly, I'm out of here!

(Speedy makes his exit, heading for his car.)

Fran: I'm leaving too. I can't die before that big sale tomorrow!

(Francine goes with Speedy, leaving behind Gudio and Polly.)

Guido: Good for you, Polly. I'm proud you've decided to follow orders and stay at the Parlour with me and not risk your job over a silly idea like a stalker coming to kill us!

Polly: (on her way out the door) Fran, Speedy! Wait for me I wanna live to!

Guido: I just said that great line for nothing? Well, at least the Narrator's not scared.

N: I just recalled, I'm late for a dinner thing with my wife! Yes that'll do … I'll see you tomorrow, Guido! If you're still around by then.

Gudio: (annoyed) But you're not married! Fine, go you scardy cats! I guess I'm the only smart guy here. Literally.

(A dark figure appears at the front door holding up a shiny object.)

Guido: (looking at the figure curiously) Speedy is that you?

(Meanwhile Speedy, Polly and Francine are lost down a dark mysterious road.)

Speedy: (holding the map upside-down while driving) Now let's see, if we take a turn here ... then left there ... then north ... then anti-clockwise around here ...

Polly, Fran: SPEEDY WATCH OUT FOR THAT ROCK!

Speedy: (swerves to the right) It's okay I missed it. And that wasn't my fault that rock was clearing jay walking!

Fran: The storm's so windy, it's probably blown all kinds of things into the road.

Polly: I just hope we did the right thing by leaving Guido all by himself.

Speedy: He'll be fine, he's a big boy! Now back to the map ...

Polly, Fran: SPEEDY WATCH OUT FOR THAT TREE!

Speedy: (swerves to the left) It's okay everyone I just missed that to. You're forgetting what a cautious driver I am!

Polly: Well at the moment you have us completely lost Mr wonderful driver! Are you sure that map's correct?

Speedy: Now you mention it, I think there's something funny going on with this map.

Polly: You mean there's something funny going on in your brain!

Fran: Maybe because it's upside-down and because it's a map of Jamaica?

Polly: (angered) SPEEDY!

Speedy: Hey it's dark in here! It could have happened to anyone!

Polly, Fran: SPEEDY WATCH OUT FOR GUIDO!

Speedy: Huh?

Polly, Fran: STOP THE CAR, STOP THE CAR!

(Speedy breaks inches away from Guido.)

Speedy: (getting out of the car, yelling) Guido, are you crazy? What are you doing standing in the middle of that road like that rock and the tree!

(Guido collapses, finding it hard to speak.)

Polly: (running towards him) Oh my gosh he's injured! What happened Guido, speak to me? (Shaking a delirious Guido back and forth)

Fran:(shouting from the car) Careful Polly, don't kill him! Sometimes you don't know your own strength!

Speedy: What do you think happened to him?

Polly: Who cares right now, let's get him into the car!

(Speedy and Polly lift Guido into the back seat with Francine.)

Fran: Do you think it was the psycho man on the phone that did this to him?

Polly: Fran don't scare Speedy.

Speedy: (trying to start the car) Yeah Fran don't scare me, it's a stupid notion anyway.

Polly: Great Speedy, with your fantastic road direction we'll get Guido home in no time I'm sure!

Speedy: Do you want to drive?

Polly: I'd love to.

Speedy: In your dreams it's my car!

Fran: Then can you guys explain why Guido was wondering around in the road?

Speedy: Who knows, you know Guido does silly things. (Frustrated) THE CAR WILL NOT START!

Polly: Here we go, total chaos! Hang in there Guido.

Guido: (pointing to the front window) _Hubba jubba_!

Polly: What do you know, it talks.

Guido: UJA BUJA!

Fran: Huh? The poor thing must have hit his head.

Speedy: (terrified) AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

Polly: Now what?

Fran: OH _BLEEP_!

(Everyone looks to the front where a dark figure is staring at them through a mask.)

Masked man: Good evening folks.

Polly: IT'S HIM! IT'S THE GUY FROM THE PHONE! I RECOGNISE THAT SEAN CONNERY VOICE ANYWHERE!

Speedy: (gulping) I hope he's friendlier in person …

(The masked man pulls out a giant blade from his belt.)

Speedy: Why did he have to do THAT!

Masked Man: Not only do I enjoy my pizzas in tiny pieces, but I also like my victims chopped that way too! (In an evil laugh) HAHAHAHA!

(He jumps on top of the car and starts madly stabbing the roof, causing everyone to panic.)

Speedy: (shaking with fright) What do I do, WHAT DO I DO!

Polly, Fran: (panicking) Start the car, START THE CAR!

Speedy: I can't, I CAN'T!

Guido: (struggling to talk) He … tri … ed to … kill … me …

Polly: (sarcastic) Really? How interesting! That's really helpful to know at this point GUIDO!

Fran: I told you guys he was coming to kill us!

Speedy: (even more sarcastic) Oh, you're right Fran! I must owe you a coffee! I guess I just didn't feel like being CHOPPED UP INTO TINY PIECES TODAY!

(The knife continues to stab holes in the car.)

Speedy: (looking drunk) I feel sick ... (faints head first onto the car horn.)

Polly: (blocking her ears) Terrific!

Fran: (screaming) The psycho's locked us in! HOW DO WE GET OUT!

(The masked man jumps down off the car and stands besides Polly's window. He then smashes his hand through the glass to grab her.)

Polly, Fran: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

Masked Man: Today you meet your FATE! (Getting ready to stab her)

Polly: (trying to undo her seat belt) How about next Tuesday!

Fran: This is it Polly, it was nice knowing you!

Polly: (woeful) You're a good friend Fran, you too Guido. And Speedy, if the jerk can hear me!

Polly, Fran: HHHHHHHHEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!

Guido: (from the back seat) SUPRISE!

Polly, Fran: Huh?!

Masked Man: (in a more quirky voice) So, you wanted to know my name? Well you may remember me as trustworthy Guru Lou! Hehe!

Fran: Guru Lou!

Polly: What's going on?

Guido: (getting out of the car, laughing) Ha ha! We had you guys so fooled! The stalker, the phone calls, the missing people, me being attacked! You should have seen your faces they were priceless!

Guru Lou: Truly a Kodak moment!

Fran: Are you saying this was a _joke_?

Polly: (also getting out of the car) Trustworthy indeed! We thought we were going to die!

Fran: And that's not very funny!

Guido, Lou: (hysterical) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Fran: (getting out of the car) Excuse me I just said that wasn't FUNNY!

Guido: Look on the bright side! At least the storm has cleared up. I guess we'll have to walk home 'cause I put a hole in Speedy's gas tank so you guys wouldn't be able to start it. Boy did that make you freak!

Polly: Oh yes, Speedy will be so thrilled to hear that news about his car! And he will also love the smashed window and all those holes in the roof and sides. Haven't you ever heard of going to far?

Fran: So I suppose Al was in on this ...

Lou: Practically the whole Palace played a part! It was like a real neat sitcom!

Fran: I don't believe you guys could do this to us! LOOK at what you did to poor Speedy!

(She points to Speedy, still passed out on the wheel.)

Polly: (nursing a fist) You two are going to pay so bad ...

Lou: Well you deserved it! After that little prank you guy's pulled on me and Guido last Halloween. I decided to get you all early before I go to Mongolia this weekend.

Polly: Mongolia?

Fran: Ah c'mon! That was nothing compared to this. This was MURDER! I could have had a heart attack! Who would have paid the wages?

Guido: I don't think it's very funny when the whole of Little Tokyo thinks me and Lou are gay! Especially me. For once girls were avoiding me for a date!

Polly: I'm sure you could have asked a nice guy out instead.

Lou: But he's not gay!

Guido: I'm not gay, Lou's not gay!

Lou: I'm not gay! No ones gay!

N: Well I've had my thoughts about Speedy …

Polly: Guys if gay's what you go for then there's nothing to be ashamed of!

Guido, Lou: BUT WE'RE NOT GAY!

Polly: (giggling) I'm just saying if you were you two would make a great couple!

Guido: (grabbing Polly by the shoulders and pulling him towards his face) Now listen very carefully, for the last time nobody is GAY! I am attracted to females, understood?

Polly: (noticing how Guido's holding her) Does that mean your attracted to me Mr Ladies man?

Guido: (blushing) I ah … well … you … ah … ya ... DON'T TEASE ME POLLY!

Fran: Hey just wondering, how did you get in the middle of the road so fast? We must have been miles away from the Parlour.

Guido: No you weren't, you were driving around in circles. This made the prank run more smoothly!

(He points to the Pizza Parlour behind him.)

Fran: (shocked) Well what do ya know!

Polly: Speedy and his map of Jamaica.

Fran: Speaking of Speedy ...

(Everyone looks at Speedy, who still hasn't moved.)

Lou: Leave this to me, I'll snap him out of it!

Polly: Are you sure? He looks kinda cute drooling on that horn.

(Lou pulls Speedy out of the car and slaps him on the cheek.)

Speedy: Cough! Ah ... what happened?

Polly: (with a light shrug) You were being murdered, that's about it.

Speedy: God you're right! Am I still alive?

Fran: Of course you are, it was just Guru Lou!

Speedy: You mean ... he's the killer?

Polly: No you see –

Speedy: (interrupting her) STAY AWAY FROM ME YOU MAD FIEND! I still have a contract saying I have three more years on this show! You're crazy if you think you can kill me, the STAR!

Lou: I really need to get you something for that fear problem you have there, Speedy. Never have I seen a super hero faint while on the job. You'll be a puppet on Sesame Street if you don't stop acting like such a wimp!

Speedy: (flabbergasted) YOU'RE INSANE! I was being KILLED! By YOU, apparently. And I could have DIED! PASSED AWAY! GONE! I'm going to talk to my agent about all this pressure ...

Guido: Speedy it was just a joke, no ones killing anyone.

Fran: Yeah relax!

Speedy: A joke? WHAT DO YOU MEAN A JOKE!

Polly: We will explain it to you on the way home … and when we get home, I'm going to get my frying pan and HIT THOSE TWO PRANKTERS SO HARD THEIR CHILDRENS, CHILDRENS, CHILDRENS ARE GOING TO FEEL IT!

Guido, Lou: RUN

(Guido and Guru Lou disappear into the horizon as a raging Polly runs after them throwing rocks.)

Speedy: I guess I'll drive you home, Francine.

Fran: (eyeing the beaten up car) Ah, Speedy ...

Speedy: (trying to remain calm) Fran ...

Fran: Yes Speedy?

Speedy: WHAT HAPPENED TO MY CAR!

**THE END**


End file.
